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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Down for the Count...

I consider myself to be a fighter.  I've never been KO'd and I rarely find myself down for the count.  It seems to be a family trait, a temperament that runs in the family.  In most areas of life, this has proven to be a good thing.  I can look back on circumstances in my life when this "stick-to-it-ness" has allowed me to plow through what could've been some tough blows in arena of life.  


But oftentimes what I fail to remember is that I am not in this fight alone.  Yesterday was a tough day for me:  as a Mom, as a wife, and mainly as a homeschooling Mom.  I felt like nothing was going right and that I'd hit a wall with my middle son, Elijah.  When this kind of thing happens, my fighter instincts come out and I begin to start looking at my son as MY challenge.  Then it's downhill from there.  I get frustrated, he gets frustrated, he starts crying (he's really sensitive), I have to leave the room, he gets distracted....etc.  My biggest fear is that he'll hate homeschool.  It's then I realized, Elijah's not challenging me....GOD is.


Now I could site excuses which complicate our homeschooling life like:  moving around 3 continents within a school year, not having all my "junk" in one place and lacking supplies, being around (at least) 3 different languages during the course of his little 4 year old life, etc.  It's true.  These obstacles do facilitate a frustrating homeschooling experience.  But I can't help but wonder if I'm not slowly building some of my own walls.  When I express my frustrations and set the bar too high....I'm just adding to that wall between us.  It's crazy!  I can feel my blood starting to boil.  Then I start telling myself...calm down, calm down, he'll get it, keep trying...etc.  Ugh!  Then I end up hating myself and I start to question if I'll be able to do this for the next 16 years!  


All the while I am forgetting that I'm not in this fight alone.  Just like with my youngest, JJ, I can't take the "fight" out of me.  It's just not gonna happen.  But I can refocus.  God's mercies are NEW EVERY morning!!  This is not a solo duel.  This is a TEAM effort!  I have GOD on my side and he should never be a last resort.  I also have my husband is always ready to "tag team". 1 Cor. 10:13 says God is NEVER gonna give me more than I can handle with His help.


The weight of homeschooling is starting to bear down on me and I can't fight this fight alone.  There is so much to take to God in prayer and so much "looking in the mirror" that needs to be done.  This isn't just "book learning" taking place here.  There are little lives and little hearts that are being molded.  And more than anything, I want my boys to be just like Jesus :)

Praying the walls come down...